Tell me... Who are you, really?
That is the million dollar question that hit me smack in the middle of my forehead (...or was it my third eye?)
Well here's the story of how I came to answer that question and found out who I AM.
When I decided I could no longer fake positivity at my job and made the decision to quit working, I threw myself head first into trying to conceive a baby with my new husband.
First, let me take you back 17 years when I moved with my two sons who were 14 and 11 years old at the time, to Saskatoon to marry the love of my life. It was a heart-based decision, and might I add — not without complications.
I was always positive and an optimist, so I was hopeful that anything that happened could be dealt with in a mature and methodical manner. What I didn’t expect after moving from Edmonton with my kids, getting remarried, starting a new job, adjusting to a new marriage, Greg adjusting to life with a wife and stepsons, and my boys starting at new schools.... was to find out I was pregnant at 39!!
Truth be told we were ecstatic. Greg had always wanted kids and I wanted a big family. Sadly, as life sometimes goes, we lose the things we love the most... I miscarried. It was a traumatic experience for us both and happened just 2 weeks before our wedding. I put on a happy face for our celebration and figured that since it happened so easily once, I would surely get pregnant again quickly.
But it was not so easy.
In my dreams, I saw us with our own children and imagined going into the bedroom across the hall to feed them.
After 6 months of trying we booked into a specialist and were given the odds; not likely once the mom hits her forties. We were both achievement-driven, type A individuals so naturally, we signed up for fertility treatments. Let me tell you that this path is not for the faint of heart. You cry monthly at the sight of blood.
I went deep, deep, deep into depression.
We tried IVF and tried IVF again and again, and took breaks to console ourselves that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But I just knew we were supposed to be parents. I prayed and was told to be patient by my guides. I tried to live in the moment and be grateful for everything I had, but I knew if I was told to be patient that it was going to happen! So I held onto that.
On our last attempt at IN Vitro Fertilization, we became pregnant... with not one, but with twins!!
What does this have to do with finding out who you are, you ask?
Well, during the 5 years that we spent trying to conceive, I discovered my spirit. Even through the emotional plummet of failure and depression, I learned just how limitless and capable and loved I Am.
I was no means healed and enlightened,
but I learned how to quiet my negative self-talk and connect with my heart.
And with God, the creator and the universe.
I learned to trust and be patient.
I learned that I can manifest my heart's desire.
I read as much as I could on the subjects of positive thinking, manifesting, and spirituality. When I finally started taking classes and workshops on a variety of subjects, I found others just like me that knew we were part of a bigger picture!
I found pure love and light within myself. And it has become my mission that we all learn to connect to that divine love - the I AM!
I see you and you are beautiful! A beautiful being of love and life.
With love and gratitude to you all,
If this story intrigued you, consider joining us at the next I AM Gathering. October 2018 with Sonia Choquette, one of the worlds top Master Teachers in spirituality.